what do some people think...or...do they think at all?

Last night at 1:30 AM I was startled awake by a loud noise. I awoke totally disoriented and unsettled and Marley was going wild in the house. Running in circles and almost howling. I got up - more because I had to go to the bathroom that because I was worried about the ruckus. I settled the dog back down, only slightly wondering what the noise was that I heard.

I checked downstairs and noticed that A. wasn't home yet which was not too out of the ordinary since the bar where he works doesn't close until 1:00. Still feeling unsettled, I texted him to see how his night was. He called back to say, "goodnight" and I went blissfully back to sleep.

...fast forward to this morning...

The loud noise I heard was someone side swiping/crashing into my car. My car that was parked right in front of my house on the quiet little tree-lined street where I live. The kicker is there was no note, no sign of remorse at all.

There was probably no note because judging from the damage to my car the person was (a) drunk, (b) driving like a maniac, (c) both. I hate to be judgmental and possibly be stereotypical here but given the amount of damage it wasn't like someone "clipped" the edge of my mirror or something. Because there was no witness and I because had no description of the car, the $500 deductible on my insurance is my responsibility. How can someone do this to someone else's property and just walk (or drive) away? I feel badly if I walk away from someone's desk and inadvertently take their pen - how can someone smash into another car and just drive away? I know people do a lot worse and walk away too - but HOW?

My car is nothing glamorous, in fact it was pretty close to the car graveyard before this accident. The AC doesn't work, the heat barely works, and the odometer and speedometer have not worked in over a year (I drive very locally and very slowly). So, the decision is do I even put the $500 into fixing the car or do I just take the car off the road, donate it, and we go back to being a 1 car family?

I can take the bus to work, or A can drive me and he can walk the 3 blocks to his work; we have options BUT I love having a car I always have. It makes me feel safe because I keep stuff in it - a change of clothes, whatever I might in case I have time to run that errand, etc. but I will certainly not lose my job or be destitute without one. I think we will have the insurance company come out and do their appraisal thing and see how long we have to decide to have the work done or not - and then wait as long as we can before we decide.

It's a strange feeling because I want to let this go, but I am finding it a little difficult because I am angry that it happened but I am even more angry that someone ran away from it. I am very thankful though that it was only my car that was damaged, we have so many kids and pets on our street that if it had happened earlier a much worse outcome could have occurred.

november. december. breathe.

I have been off leading the world in Project Management successes and developing educational software that is helping MBA students learn to conquer the world one simulation at a time ...

...believe me?

OK back to the land of not so embellished reality ... I have been really quite busy at work. My two big deadlines are December 11th and December 14th. What I want and need to do this year is find a way to balance meeting these deadlines with my life. I refuse (?) - can I really flat out refuse to let these deadlines and the work required to meet them become all consuming. A similar situation truly did tank my holiday spirit last year. I am already in need of some soul tending and simply can't hit total burnout right before the holidays again.

I want to absorb this holiday season slowly and not shove it all in the 3 or 4 days before December 25th. I want to start at Thanksgiving and revel in each and every day between then and January 3rd. I want to give time to family and friends this year and not worry so much about "the perfect gift". I don't care about getting a single material gift this year (I mean this). I just want family and friends and prayers for a kinder, gentler 2010.

I would like to spend December sitting in front of my Christmas Tree writing meaningful Christmas cards, and thinking about what my hopes and dreams are for my Courageous Year; organizing myself and my home for a 2010 filled with simplicity and calm rather than frantic feelings, chaos, and anxiety.

I have to say I feel a bit calmer about the holidays just writing this instead of writing LISTS of what to get who.

Nest Egg

My nest egg for retirement is not very big at all. I make my contributions regularly and guard them with my life - never wavering in them, and have always liked to see my quarterly statements come in the mail and see the number go up each time (for the most part). Then there was last year. I, like everyone else in America took about a 15% hit last year when the economy took a nose dive. 

I can live with that.

What I cannot live with is that fact that I am still fighting with an employer from back in 2005 who stole money from my IRA contributions and used them for himself. He did this to everyone in the company. Since I had only been at the company less than 2 years, the amount I am fighting for is about $2,000. Some employees got taken for much more.

I left the company after working there for two years. Less than a year later the company went under.

The amazing office manager spearheaded a 3 year investigation that got the Attorney General and the Department of Labor involved. Most of the money has been returned. Most of it, but not mine and not one other employee's. When I left the company I rolled over the funds I did have into another IRA, closing the account I had with the company I left. When the money was mandated by the court to be paid back by the CEO who stole it, the funds were transferred electronically back into the employees' IRA accounts.

Only my account had been closed so my money went no where.

I have been trying to track it down since July and I am still waging the good war to get what is mine back. I have been very lucky that I have an amazing contact at the Department of Labor who is on the case with me. I will be calling her again Monday to ask her what is next.

How someone, a CEO of a very small 30 person company can steal from his employees is so beyond me. The jerk lives in one of the wealthiest towns around here, and his staff at the time were all hard working, 45 years old and younger, really committed to him and the company, and not at all in his financial affluence range. How can someone do that?

I want my $2,000 back in my nest egg to grow for retirement!

Friday Fill-Ins

Thanks Janet for keeping this alive week to week!

1. The last band I saw live was The Blues Brothers at the Hard Rock Cafe in Boston. 

2. What I look forward to most on Thanksgiving is pie and ice cream and the long weekend with family and friends.

3. My Christmas/holiday shopping is going to very limited this year.

4. Thoughts of Christmas decorations in my home are starting to fill my head (but never to appear before Thanksgiving!)

5. I wish I could wear jeans to work.

6. Bagpipes drive me crazy!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to earning some extra cash babysitting, tomorrow my plans include washing Marley (again) to de-skunk her, maybe a trip to the bookstore, and a 40th birthday party for two friends who are both turning 40! and Sunday, I want to do whatever comes my way!

Flow

As I start to explore the authentic me - the one that I think is buried under years of doing what I am "supposed" to do - I am starting to learn how to process and validate what I am thinking about myself. You know...find the balance between digging deep to get to what's real versus over analyzing it.

Today I read a post by Kate that really got me thinking. She wrote about anger being toxic.

What I wrote in response to her post is, 

Anger is toxic and so is stress. Sometimes I get into such a funk and it builds up that I forget how to feel UNstressed or UNangry at the world. I know this is not healthy and I’m working on it! What I am struggling with the most is the balance between accepting my emotions as valid, acknowledging them and yet then being able to move on and move past them, I think this is key, if I don’t recognize my feelings, [accept them as valid] and move past them it feels more like I am just “stuffing” them back down – and inevitably they bubble up again at the wrong time.

Right now for me the emotion I am working the most on is simple sadness. I am sure it is not simple and if I "got into it" more it will be quite complex. But for now I'm calling it simple sadness. What I am trying to figure out is where my balance is between taking it day by day and accepting my situation as it is for the current moment, knowing (?) it will get better and feeling like I want to run.

I will pick up on this line of thinking in my next post....

Cozy

I love that I had today off. 

Sleeping late was great. Raking leaves was great. I went to Kohl's and got Adam a great 3/4 length coat that he has been asking for for his birthday in a few weeks and I scored. Not only was it 50% off but then I also had a 30% off coupon AND I got a $10 coupon for your next visit. I like it when the shopping gods align like that!

The best part of the day is now, right now. In my comfy cozy clothes, bowl of noodles, candles lit, and an evening of no chores, and relaxing.

The challenge of the day has been getting the stinky skunk scent out of the house. Marley went head to head with a skunk on her walk last night. TOTALLY my fault for letting her walk along next to me not on a leash. She actually doesn't smell like a skunk much at all but the house was really overpowered with the smell earlier but it is getting better with a lot of candles!

Poor thing got sprayed right in her face and she went running off like a wild woman, diving into our lawn face first and rubbing her eyes into the grass and then pawing at her face. I felt awful for her but she rallied pretty quickly and after a good scrubbing in the tub, she promptly fell asleep, exhausted from her antics.

We will go out for a walk in a little bit but other than that I am here on my couch, cup of tea in hand and happy as can be. 

60 Books in 60 Years

In August 2009, The New York Times compiled its favorite books from the last 60 years. I have read only 13 of them! I have seen the movie for another 7. I feel so UNliterary! I really would like to read some of the ones I haven't read yet. So many books, so little time.

How many have you read?

mid-week bliss

Tomorrow I will be reveling in some mid-week bliss called Veteran's Day! My organization gives us the day off (thank you very much). I have no real plans for the day and that is perfect. 

I might...

...finish raking the leaves in our front yard
...take the dog for a nice long walk around the pond
...sleep in a bit (almost a definite)
...dust the house from top to bottom (probably not!)
...sit on the couch and watch some movies
...finally finish one of the two books I am reading
...or maybe something else will come along that trumps all of these! Do you have the day off? What will you be doing?

Instead

I wanted to post something insightful tonight...

...but....instead...

...I dropped A's new phone* off to him at the bar...

...and had two vodka tonics and 15 wings**...

...so I need to go to bed now... 

* He put his old phone through the 12 minute wash cycle with our last load of clothes.

** Sundays and Mondays they have a 20-cent wing special & it was easier than cooking.

Next

Babysitting this week and next will be so that I can join an outrageously creative group of women in This Courageous Life.

What is Courageous Living? from Kate Swoboda on Vimeo.

I don't know what's coming and I don't know where I am going (impressive I know) but I do feel a shift happening in me - or maybe the shift is happening to me (but that feels rather passive). I want to be engaged in my life again. I want to feel passionate about something. I want to feel happy again.

I wish I had a road map for this part of my life; this part that feels challenging, but maybe, just maybe I will learn something more by just exploring. Maybe the change will be inside, but maybe it will be external...maybe nothing will change at all.

I just want to take a baby step away from passive and if nothing else, it sounds FUN!