Friday Fill-Ins

Thanks Janet! If you want to join in the FFI's check it out!

1. The crickets sing, but no so much in the wintertime.

2. Your life exists wherever you are.

3. I want to get far away from the inconsistencies that exist that no one is noticing.

4. To lie aimlessly in a sunny summer field without a care in the world; this was a dream.

5. But as for me I will forever be learning as I go.

6. Where I come from you say "please", "thank you", you hold the door for others, you let your elders go first, you say prayers before bed, and you have a strong work ethic.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to catching up with two friends from my last job who I have not seen in far too long, tomorrow my plans include packing myself an overnight bag and heading around the corner to take care of my niece for two days and Sunday, I want eat pancakes for breakfast with my niece, and then do something fun - any suggestions? She is two.

Meetings

I just want to do my work. I want to be able to sit down at my desk and focus on my work. I understand the value of "learning and sharing meetings" - aka cross team meetings of a particular group of people to share experiences, what went well in a situation, what didn't, tips and trick and all of that - but when there is a lot of work (which actually interests me) I would like to do my work. In my opinion these "learning and sharing meetings" need to become secondary.

While I am trying to do my work I don't want to be made to feel badly that I would like to do my work. I would prefer not to be told "at times like these it is better to pick up your head from your work and take a step back"(to go to these meetings) I have work to do! 

Everyone admits that we are "overcommitted" I am not complaining about being overcommitted with work. I would like to be able to just do the work instead of adding on additional non-project deliverable meetings. 

I am a friendly person at work and I am a volunteer-er and a contributor. I try my best to always help and support others no matter how busy I am so feeling like this is not common for me but I am tired of cramming my work in in 30 minute or 1-hour increments between meetings - adding non-essential meetings to my schedule right now is not helping.

Then when I say, "If I am mandated to go, I will because that is part of my job." I get told, "that's not a good attitude." In this case, I am sorry but I just don't agree.

For the sake of paranoia if anyone from work ever comes across this I am not talking about the 3.5 hour all team meeting today. That is a once a year event. I am talking about smaller more frequent occurrences. 

Kindness of Many

Thank you to all who commented on my last post. I was greatly comforted by the suggestions and the understanding of my need for "baby steps." I have found for me that anything I do on a whim and by just jumping in never sticks. I want my faith to stick. At whatever level I end up at I want my faith to be mine, at the right level for me, for the long haul - I have been away from it for too long.

For whatever reason I drifted away and it was easier to stay away than than to revitalize. One of the things that I do know about faith is that it ebbs and flows, like a marriage, through good times and through bad. I want it to last for better and for worse.

I'm going to go to Mass, read a book or two that was suggested and keep saying my prayers each night. Baby steps for now.

Quiet Belief

I have been off quietly tending to things and tending to myself this weekend. A and I have done some basics together; errands, watched a movie together, visited with some friends as well as taking care of all the necessaries around the house.

It feels nice not to have an angry internal discussion running in my head all the time about things. That said, I am still quite nervous that despite all of the upheaval and soul bearing of the last few weeks nothing will really change.  Things are better but are they only better until the next "crisis" hits us?

I don't know. What I do know is that I am tired of worrying. Maybe another "crisis" will do us in but I have to believe that that he has heard my concerns and that we can be better because of the last few weeks.  I cannot predict or control the future. What I would like is some faith that whatever the case it will be OK.

I was raised Catholic. Church in Sundays, prayers at bedtime, and all the sacraments (except for Holy Orders of course). I attended church all through college and then somehow it just tapered off. I have always believed in a Higher Being a God  - what I struggle with is the formality of the Church and the literal aspects of the account.  A one time I studied/practiced Buddhism for 2 years but struggled with some of the formal practices of that as well.

I would be naive to believe that there is not a God, a power higher and stronger than we are. I want to get back to my faith - I have wanted to for a few years now - but what I am struggling with is how to do that without feeling hypocritical. I think I might just start by going to Mass next week.

Decide

"You are the person who has to decide. Whether you'll do it or toss it aside; you are the person who makes up your mind. Whether you'll lead or will linger behind. Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar. Or just be contented to stay where you are." ~ Edgar A. Guest 

Breathing

I think that just maybe I am starting to breathe a little easier. Things are kind of working out, finding their place, feeling less overwhelming. Time will tell but tonight I feel a little less on the edge and I'll take that for now.

Kindness

In an otherwise pretty cruddy birthday weekend today three things happened to make it all OK.

1. My 2 year old niece gave me a "hop" for my birthday - just like her's only a little bigger ~ because no matter how old one is they can always use something soft to snuggle with. 

2. Back in July I won a felt handmade pillow over at Brene Brown's site Ordinary Courage.  The pillow is handcrafted by Ana at The Lavendar Tree and it came today! It was so nice to receive the unexpected package this weekend! When I opened the package it took my breath away it was so soft, so inspiring and so amazing. I have it on my bed no as a reminder to live wholeheartedly. 

3. I spent the day with my best friend and it was exactly what I needed. Nothing fancy and in fact we got off to a late start - not getting to lunch until almost 2:00. But we sat and chatted and then headed to Origins where we were able to get FREE mini facials. It was so much fun and Jessica the store Manager and aestiticain was great! I treated myself to some Ginger Essence and soothing eye cream. We have both been going through a lot lately - a lot f different and separate stuff - but we are there for each other and today I really owe her a huge thanks for a day of girl time that helped me remember it WILL be OK.

Wandering

Today was one of those bright, sunny, amazing fall days. 
When I told my husband I need some space.
To breathe.
I have no idea what that means, "to need space"
Everything we own, everything we do is intertwined
It's our house; our bills; our marriage
How do you create space in the same space
I have hope that we can work through this
But I need space to breathe and to see what will be
I just don't have the words to articulate it well - I don't know how to do this
To sleep in the spare room doesn't feel right, but to sleep in the same room isn't "space"
After I told him I needed space - I wandered around a pumkpin patch, bought some shoes, and ate lunch by myself
Is that weird?
Of course I cried too.
Now I feel awkward in my own home
I'm trying to just breathe and see what plays out.

Just Breathing

I know I have not been posting much here. Truth is it has been a very hard month this past month. I just haven't felt like writing about it. Adam and I are going through more than just the normal ups and downs. I don't want to say much more than that right now since it could honestly go either way. We are working through a lot and all I can say is we are being kind to each other and nothing is mean or ugly.

The hardest part is that I have reached a point where I don't know what the right answer is. We have been trough rough times before but not like this. I have never felt like this ever before and it is really doing a job on my sense of self. I feel stuck in fear of making a wrong move. There is obviously a lot more detail behind of all these rather vague statements.

There is hope and I think only time will tell. 

Work has been insanely busy which has been a blessing and a curse. It certainly draws me out of my own mind and keeps my thoughts occupied while I am at the office, but it is also exhausting and trying to engage fully and be present at work has been hard.

The best news - and it is great news - since my last post is that my sister-in-law and brother found out that they are having a baby girl! I am so thrilled. We have been calling the baby "Two" (as in their second child) but now that I know it is a girl I might have to come up with a slightly more feminine name! 

Creative Time?

So does this count as utilizing my creative time wisely?

Come on ladies you know it...each one of us has that special someone (other than our darling husbands)...we each have that one person who makes us swoon.

I'll start the discussion here with my current McDreamy who makes me melt and swoon...

For some real uTube McDreamy-ness check this out.