Two dogs, a laptop, tv, and some creative time

Smokey, Gizmo and I are just hanging out here at the hotel getting reading to have some pizza (me) and kibble (them) for dinner. 

Lauren is at her wedding reception - looking gorgeous - her dress was simply stunning. She needed someone to hang out with her dog at the hotel room while she was off celebrating (dogs cannot be left alone in the hotel room) and then her mom's dog Smokey decided to join us for the party.

Gizmo is being fantastic curled up dozing. Poor Smokey is a bit more nervous, missing her mom. Every time a hotel door slams she jumps up and runs to the door. 

They are both so cute. I really co do this for a living.....

TGIF - Back to a routine

Happy TGIF ...now that fall is here and I am back to some kind of a routine I hope to get back to my TGIFs with more regularity. As always a huge thanks to Brene Brown at Ordinary Courage for inspiring me to be the most authentic me that I can be, and reminding me that the things I should be grateful for are not always immediately obvious.

I have also joined Brene's 5-week Audacity of Authenticity Group over at PNN. It is the most amazing group of creative, honest, welcoming women ever. This week's topic is how we embrace our imperfections and vulnerabilities.

I was out of work most of this week with the nastiest head cold ever. It really is amazing how our bodies tell us exactly what we need when we need it. Like it or not my body was telling me in no uncertain terms that I needed to stop. Not just slow down but stop and take care of myself. I slept much of the last 3 days and am starting to feel like I want to edge my way back into the world again.

Today I'm trusting that things will work out as they should with our finances and that things will get easier with time.

I'm grateful for my home where I feel safe, comfortable, and where I feel like I can be myself.

I'm inspired by all of the wonderful women I have met and talked with over at PNN.

Happy Friday everyone!

let sick be sick

I make a lousy sick person. I don't understnad why I can't just "give it up" when I am sick. I am always wondering, "am I sick enough?" to warrant being home." There used to be a time in my life when I was much closer to a true workaholic than I am now, but I got better when I started at my current position.

I still have hard time with not checking in, which when I am sick inevitably makes me feel worse. Technology is great but I wish there was a policy (yes a policy just for me because I have no willpower), a policy that makes your work e-mail inactive when you take a sick day. I am not sure what it is that makes me thing I am oh so important that work cannot run with out me there. Really it must be some unresolved childhood issue thing?

Whatever it is I have come to the conclusion - because I overthink everything - that it is a combination of some control issues and acceptance issues. I can't let go and I don't ever want to let people down (or *gasp* have people think less of me).

I think I need to let go already ... and focus on my chicken noodle soup and cough drops.

Kleenex please.

I know I haven't written in awhile - no excuses, just busy, then sick. Achoo. Not the flu just a nasty, head cold and cough. Pulled myself through yesterday and babysitting last night and then slept till noon today. Napping, lots of liquids, lots of hulu.com and now I have made it downstairs for dinner and a little more TV.

Yea. Riviting. Can you pass the Kleenex please?

Taking care of business

For awhile now, since we have bought the house, everyone has been mentioning that we should put together a will - nothing fancy just the basics. I know that it is a good idea but I can't help seeing the irony in it. People (aka, my parents) are suggesting we put together a well especially now that we have a house -- but what the heck does the house really have to do with it right now? Honestly we own about 6% of the house at this point and we have more bills than that. It just strikes me as ironic to have a will when no one would get anything! Good habit/practice I suppose.

Going through a lawyer to do the most basic of wills will cost at least a few hundred dollars, which is mostly why I have been putting it off. Then I read a post on the walking the black dog blog where he mentioned using Legal Zoom. Basically you create the will via an online form and it gets reviewed by their team of lawyers, and it is affordable. 

click to enlarge and read

You sign it, get it notarized on your own and you have a will. 

As I was going through the form to see what kind of information I might need I was impressed with this page of the form asking who would like to indicate as a pet guardian, and other directives for care for your pet if necessary. Volunteering at a dog rescue I all too often hear of pets who need to find a new home (often as they are older) when their owner passes. It is always heartbreaking because a pet experiences grief and is just as sad when a human passes away as the humans are when the pet passes on.

As I was typing all of this a commercial just came on for the same company - how ironic! So on my list of things to accomplish this fall is to get a will in order as well as health care proxies for both of us.

Not being doom and gloom just taking care of business. Today is actually better than yesterday - it had to be right it's Friday.

trying

What does it mean when you are trying really hard, I mean with every single atom of yourself you are trying to look on the bright side, trying to be patient, trying to see the positive, trying to take it one day at a time, but randomly you just cry. 

One minute you feel like all of it is no big deal and then just as easily it all just seems so damn overwhelming. When you go from telling yourself that it has to get better but not knowing how, to chastising yourself for being dramatic.

I am probably making this all more mysterious and dramatic seeming than it might be but seriously, this is my blog so I get to write about things in whatever mood I might happen to be in. 

Ack now this sounds angry. Not my intent.

I am exhausted. I am glad tomorrow's Friday.

ANTM - Getting Rid of Negative Energy

America's Next Top Model

GET RID OF LULU or BYE BYE BIANCA! I wish they would send them both home already.

Loved Nicole this week, Loved Kara, Loved Erin!

Sundai and Rae - pretty girls let's see how they do going forward.

Laura - Love her personality but not sure she will make it style-wise.

Bianca, Ashley, Jennifer, and Lisa  - I say goodbye as soon as they can go! Wait did Lisa already go home - huh that is how unimpressive she was to me.

My least favorites are Bianca for her attitude and Lulu for her attitude, negative energy and constant criticism of others

My top four as of today are: Nicole, Kara, Erin, and Brittany!

Brittany and Lulu bottom two - I am PRAYING that Brittany's good photo last week saves her!

...

BYE BYE Lulu!

Ouch.

Work is insane this week but let's not talk about that.

One of the benefits of where I work is that we often get access to some health and well being benefits and other random benefits as the organization finds them relevant and important - financial planning etc., and the presence of about 5,000 free standing Purell hand sanitizes AND our very own desk top version of Purell AND our own key chain mini bottle - my organization just gives and GIVES!

Today I was the lucky recipient of a seasonal flu shot for free! Can you imagine the joy!

Seriously I think they must have made the vaccinations especially strong this year since the muscle in my arm is especially achy!

Now in case you think that we are being shortchanged don't you worry - the H1N1 vaccination should be arriving in a few weeks. As I diabetic (yes please forget the post about M&Ms yesterday) I am considered in a "high-risk" group and have gotten the flu shot for years - never once getting any ill effects from it, but I am not sure about this NEW H1N1 vaccination. I almost feel like I want to wait a year and see how everyone else fares from getting it.

That said I do work in an environment with people traveling in and out from all over the world.

The H1N1 vaccination? I think I will call and ask my doctor.

Life is Never all Bad

This is one of the many reasons I love the family I babysit for. When I got to the cupboard after the kids have gone to bed to look for one of the "adult" snacks I am not faced with sprouts, granola, or dehydrated whatevers, but instead I find a bag - a whole pound - of peanut M&Ms! Now that is taking care of the child care!

* I of course counted out only 10 25 30 - a generous handful of M&Ms, making sure to leave more than plenty behind.

After hiding out for a day at home yesterday I think I am in a better place. Very rarely do I need to fully retreat into my own space to regroup but this was one of those times. Sometimes life can just keep tossing big challenges in our way and as "they" say, "when it rains it pours" (so cliche I know). It seems as if I have been hit by a steady downfall for some time and I am ready for some calmer weather. 

I feel that if f I lay low, then calmer waters might prevail. I'm hoping so. In the mean time there is always peanut M&Ms. Life is never all bad.

Sitting Really Still

Sometimes life has a way of just coming at us and we have to figure it out. I don't think it's always as easy as, "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." There's often a whole bunch of stuff in the middle that's tied up in strong emotions and a slower change of who we are than any one event that might squash us outright. Maybe it's more like a wearing away over time. 

Ten years is both a long time and a blip on the radar depending on the perspective you look at it from. Ten years is a lot of time for change to happen organically or it can be just the amount of time for everything to feel like it is right back where it started.

Either way certain things are not feeling great. It's been a little hard to breathe at times. I have spent time sitting very still, listening to my thoughts, and my heart - and that is where it gets confusing. I fee like I have been transported back in time and am repeating history in some ways. I want to be moving forward and yet there are certain things that have been playing themselves out over again just as before.

Sound cryptic? Perhaps. I am not ready to write it all out clear as day because quite honestly it is not clear at all to me. I feel as if I am standing on the yellow line of a vast road. When I look to the right the scenery is crisp and I can see for miles in one direction. When I look to the left I see something completely different but it is also clear and bright and I can see ahead. But when I look straight ahead I see the two scenes blurred together and nothing makes sense and I cannot clearly see ahead.

Perhaps I need to turn left or perhaps I need to turn right. I'm not sure. I just know I can't keep going straight.