Thank God for the giant exhale....and the thirteen days off! I love it!

What's also nice is that I am doing so little shopping this year. I already got A's gift which is a joint gift from my parents and I. We got him a iPod docking station/speakers that he wanted and I got him a book that he has been hinting at and a pair of fleece ski gloves that he desperately needs to replace his old ones. My niece is getting a toddler doll house that she chose over the doll that she "loved" too. In thinking ahead I might get her the doll when her baby sister is born in March.

My family does a Yankee Swap and since I am feeling about as creative as a cardboard box this year, I am going to go with a bottle of wine and a gift certificate to this nice little Italian restaurant near us. I also got my mom a little gift of this tea that she loves from Hawaii.

So two or three online purchases left to make and then I am done with the commercial side of Christmas! Yay! Yay! I know it is the same for everyone but the whole gift giving thing has felt unnerving for me this year but it is turning out to be manageable because we stuck to keeping it small.

I promise a more meaningful post soon!

Here is a first (very sweet) peek at Christmas! I feel like Thanksgiving is already days away. Except for the turkey broth being made in the kitchen and some leftovers in the refrigerator it's beginning to look a lot more like Christmas already.

We have at least 6 houses on our street are decked out with the twinkle lights and Christmas decorations! I want to shout, "Wait! Hold on. It's STILL Thanksgiving weekend!" We will decorate but not until next weekend, when it is at least December!

I did tag along to the visit to Santa. Last year it didn't go well at all and my niece was too scared and just never made it to Santa's lap. This year armed with Hop her bunny she was a very brave little girl and made it to Santa's lap - she was NOT happy about it but she didn't cry (she didn't smile either) - so it was not a Christmas photo opportunity! It was so hard to watch her trying her hardest to be a "big girl". She lasted a minute or two tops and then leapt back into dad's arms as soon as she could. She was very happy with the candy cane she got! Maybe they should give those out before the kids who are scared get to Santa.

We did get some good shots on our walk up to Santa - it was a good way to kick off the Christmas season!

I want to be accepting and honest of myself and who I am these days.  I want to learn to be happy with myself as the person I am today and not continue to try and be who I was 3,5 or even 2 years ago or worry about who I will be in 2, 5, or 10 years.

Note: I am supposed to come up with a 3 - 5 things that are my primary focus. I of course, am making this harder than it needs to be and can't get it down past 6, but I think some are overlap so I am asking for your insight. 

What do you hear me needing the most?

1.) let go of the need to always know exactly what my next step is (accept that it will all work out as it should and let go of my need for control), learn to live in the moment and have some fun.

2.) make peace with money

3.) know when to trust myself that what I am feeling is true and genuine and not coming from a feeling of overwhelming emotion/fear (this one feels a bit vague to me but I can't quite articulate it further right now)

4.) learn to let go of my need to be perfect and accepted all the time

5). to accept who I am (who is that anyway?) and stop trying to be who I think I am supposed to be

6). to stop feeling tired and imbalanced (I think 1-5 and a lack of exercise contribute to this).

I have given several days of thought to these 5 things since I am going to sit with them, and explore them a lot for the next 365 days. Even as I have read and re-worked these things I still feel as if I am trying to "manage it all" and have it all be quite structured. I think I need to "let go of trying to control everything, learn how to have some faith that it will all work out as it should, and learn how to have some fun and relax along the way."

Maybe my goals should be to stop making lists and learn how to scribble. But oh that can be so messy!

I presume that to do this successfully I am going to have to explore what is holding me back from doing this...ahh there in lies the courageous part. Learning to be afraid and do it anyway.

Precious with Gabourey Sidibe ~ my mom and I are going to go after Thanksgiving

The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock ~ love her, love the trailer.

Avatar by James Cameron ~ $400 MILLION is a lot of money to spend to make a movie but it looks very cool!

The Hangover with Brad Cooper and Ed Helms ~ definitely not "high art" of the movie genre but sometimes, just plain silly is good too. This one will be an On-Demand viewing some lazy day between Christmas and New Year's.

What would you like to see?

photo by russos.comMost of the year A and I are very frugal about our grocery shopping. We clip coupons, shop around sales, and try to be as thrifty as possible, but when the holidays come we indulge a bit more and shop at Russ.os Farm. On days like today, the Saturday before Thanksgiving, the lines are ridiculously long but yet most people always seem to be in good spirits. Today the entire place had a wonderful fragrance of someone's kitchen inside and a crisp clean scent of pine outside (the first batch of Christmas tress has already arrived). It felt amazingly festive.

For someone like me who is not a big cook, I can always find something amazing here. Grilled Salmon with mango chutney (in case we get tired of turkey next week), fresh cranberry sauce with orange zest to go with the Turkey, apple pie stuffed to the gills with apples and clove. Amazing freshness. Decadence even in the simplest of food.

Today I went in to pick up a pie for dinner at my parent's tonight and managed to escape 30 minutes later with an apple pie, fresh blackberries that were on sale, and the worst most fragrant oranges. I was in heaven even though it took me 20 minutes to check out. I am heading over to dinner at my parents and I am hoping that WWWIII doesn't break out between my brother and my mom over the multiple Christmas parties. Even if it does I will still have my stuffed to the gills apple pie!

We share many traits my mother and I but to look at our homes you would never know we were related. I have a dog. I vacuum at least every other day and there are still small little sub-creatures of fur that waft around in the corners. Try as I might there is always at least one water glass or water bottle somewhere nearby (hey, drinking water is important), my bed linens don't match, and I iron things in a hurry as I need them. Really, who can spend 2 hours on any given weekend ironing every thing for the coming weeks?

The parties I host are last minute and quite honestly I prepare food that is easy - that is if it isn't already prepared. Often they are potluck - I don't think my parents have ever asked anyone to bring anything other than a dessert - ever - OK maybe I have brought an appetizer here and there, but you get my drift.

I love my mother dearly, and I think we are closer than many other mother-daughters out there. 

BUT (ok you saw this coming...)

She has planned not one but TWO family Christmas parties the two Saturdays before Christmas. That means I have exactly ONE Saturday left between now and December 25th. This is a bit much I think to ask the immediate family to rally for two parties in the weeks before the big day. I am going to both the soirees.  I am going to both because even though it sucks up a lot of time, during a busy time of year, it is important to my mom and honestly there are worse things than drinking wine, eating well, and catching up with family.

I am going to use the time to BE instead of rushing around, worrying about what I need to DO or BUY. 

My brother sees it all as a major inconvenience. He has this mentality that somewhat borders on, "how DARE she tie up two of my weekends." I am staying out of the middle of this one. For whatever reason there is some tension between the two of them around these kind of things. Sometimes it plays out more smoothly than others; here's to hoping this one work's itself out.

I checked downstairs and noticed that A. wasn't home yet which was not too out of the ordinary since the bar where he works doesn't close until 1:00. Still feeling unsettled, I texted him to see how his night was. He called back to say, "goodnight" and I went blissfully back to sleep.

...fast forward to this morning...

The loud noise I heard was someone side swiping/crashing into my car. My car that was parked right in front of my house on the quiet little tree-lined street where I live. The kicker is there was no note, no sign of remorse at all.

There was probably no note because judging from the damage to my car the person was (a) drunk, (b) driving like a maniac, (c) both. I hate to be judgmental and possibly be stereotypical here but given the amount of damage it wasn't like someone "clipped" the edge of my mirror or something. Because there was no witness and I because had no description of the car, the $500 deductible on my insurance is my responsibility. How can someone do this to someone else's property and just walk (or drive) away? I feel badly if I walk away from someone's desk and inadvertently take their pen - how can someone smash into another car and just drive away? I know people do a lot worse and walk away too - but HOW?

My car is nothing glamorous, in fact it was pretty close to the car graveyard before this accident. The AC doesn't work, the heat barely works, and the odometer and speedometer have not worked in over a year (I drive very locally and very slowly). So, the decision is do I even put the $500 into fixing the car or do I just take the car off the road, donate it, and we go back to being a 1 car family?

I can take the bus to work, or A can drive me and he can walk the 3 blocks to his work; we have options BUT I love having a car I always have. It makes me feel safe because I keep stuff in it - a change of clothes, whatever I might in case I have time to run that errand, etc. but I will certainly not lose my job or be destitute without one. I think we will have the insurance company come out and do their appraisal thing and see how long we have to decide to have the work done or not - and then wait as long as we can before we decide.

It's a strange feeling because I want to let this go, but I am finding it a little difficult because I am angry that it happened but I am even more angry that someone ran away from it. I am very thankful though that it was only my car that was damaged, we have so many kids and pets on our street that if it had happened earlier a much worse outcome could have occurred.

...believe me?

OK back to the land of not so embellished reality ... I have been really quite busy at work. My two big deadlines are December 11th and December 14th. What I want and need to do this year is find a way to balance meeting these deadlines with my life. I refuse (?) - can I really flat out refuse to let these deadlines and the work required to meet them become all consuming. A similar situation truly did tank my holiday spirit last year. I am already in need of some soul tending and simply can't hit total burnout right before the holidays again.

I want to absorb this holiday season slowly and not shove it all in the 3 or 4 days before December 25th. I want to start at Thanksgiving and revel in each and every day between then and January 3rd. I want to give time to family and friends this year and not worry so much about "the perfect gift". I don't care about getting a single material gift this year (I mean this). I just want family and friends and prayers for a kinder, gentler 2010.

I would like to spend December sitting in front of my Christmas Tree writing meaningful Christmas cards, and thinking about what my hopes and dreams are for my Courageous Year; organizing myself and my home for a 2010 filled with simplicity and calm rather than frantic feelings, chaos, and anxiety.

I have to say I feel a bit calmer about the holidays just writing this instead of writing LISTS of what to get who.